Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
