he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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