the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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