I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
