update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
