Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
