A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
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