You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
