I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
