Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
