I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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