Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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