I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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