i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
