Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
