you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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