Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
