so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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