oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize