I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
