eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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