So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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