yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
