saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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