btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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