i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
