someone threw a dead crab at me
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
