Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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