Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
