I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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