I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I faked an abortion last night.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
