sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
