I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
