sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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