they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
