just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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