last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
