i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize