it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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