I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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