Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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