bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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