can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You took a bar mat shot.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
