I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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