Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
