i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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