my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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