mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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