allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
