Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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