you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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