i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
