I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
