I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
