I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
