Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
