mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
