Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Pants are for mortals
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
