I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
